Welcome to What Would Amber Do with your host, Amber Howard. Each week, Amber dances in conversation with inspirational leaders how to make a difference for what matters most to people. She brings you incredible guests who share their real life experiences of being a leader and what it looks like to live a truly created life of service to others. And now, here is your host.

Welcome back, everyone. Welcome back to What Would Amber Do. It is my honor this morning to have on the show ASIA Abdul Aliem. ASIA is an international best-selling author, lifestyle career coach, and diversity, equity and inclusivity expert. ASIA's purpose is to share her authentic self with everyone who crosses her path, which we're going to talk more about because I think that's really beautiful. Her commitment for the world is to build equity and inclusivity. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to talk to you today, Amber. So good. So what part of the world works? I should start asking this at the beginning of the show. What part of the world are you in? Because I think most of my guests know I'm in Bali these days, but I'm kind of interviewing people all over the place. So where where are you located right now?

I am in the Buckeye State. I think that's what it's called. I could just moved here in Cleveland, Ohio. I just moved here like literally almost, I think three months ago.

Oh, well, welcome to your new home. That's awesome.

Thank you. Thank you.

Very cool. All right. Well, for those of you who listen to the show, you know how we start these conversations. But yeah, really, like I see it, I I see from your, you know, from your social content that you you've been working in organizational change management for a long time, bringing, you know, diversity, equity, and inclusivity to organizations. But it also seems like you're kind of branching out now as an author and a and a coach and and all of these amazing things that you're up to. So talk to me a little bit about what has your journey been like and and what what's brought you to where you are in your life today? Because uh you said something in the the kind of the pre-interview when we're just getting to know each other that I really loved. And and you said, you know, this is my time. So I I I would love to hear more about that and your journey to get to the place where you can declare that.

You know, it's it's so my journey, it's it's been like first of all, I got my bachelor's degree when I was basically 38. I want to say around 38. I I finally got my bachelor's degree, and then like right after I got my bachelor's degree, my mom passed away. Um, and so um my journey really started to begin from there because it was like, what are you doing with your life? And I had to deal with all this anger that I had bottled up, and I didn't know what to do with this. So I was a ticking time bomb, and I like to say that I was the incredible hawk and all I wanted to do was smash. That's like like when he says smash, I, you know, and for people who know me, I'm a big Marvel nerd and I love the Avengers, so I have a lot of Marvel references. Um, but um, I think the biggest thing um that turned me around is when I got my master's in a year and I was just like, wow, you can do this. And and throughout my education, I was doing that organizational change. I was working in, you know, in mental health, and I was working in um working at Harborview, which is in Washington State and Seattle. It's one of the trauma hospitals, uh, major trauma hospitals in the Pacific Northwest. And I was working with individuals who were um battling co-occurring um disorders like drug addiction and mental illness. And so there I was, you know, changing people's lives. And and I didn't really know it, you know, until they came to me and they were like, hey, I'm doing so much better. And and I was like, I'm just a receptionist, you know, I'm just checking you in, I'm a program coordinator. I'm not doing anything that's I'm not your your counselor or anything like that. Um, so then that that made me feel really good. And then when I went into the DV shelters and I started working with the women and seeing how they were progressing and becoming better and saying, I'm so glad that you're here. And I was my volunteer, you know, and it was also my internship. And it was just like I come with this authenticity that a lot of people, I don't think, always have when they're in the um space of helping. Because I'm just me, I'm real. I'm, you know, and so I I realized that, you know, while I was writing the chapter that, hey, you know, my friends were like, I never knew this about you. And I was like, because I guess that part of me is not what I share. And I told myself, you know what, it's my time now. It's my time now to start sharing and to letting people know what I'm about, you know, and and and what I stand for. And and I I realized when I turned 45, which is about two weeks ago, um, I just was like, it was the weirdest thing. It was just like I was evolving and I had crossed over to something that was bigger and better than me, like transformation is in process. And so it was amazing.

You know, one of the things that stood out to me when you were when you were just sharing that is um I think people are hungry for authenticity. You know, I we live in a world where so much of our experience of our day-to-day lives is constructed, or it's like about looking good, or it's about keeping up appearances, and and so much of it is like uh fueled by shame and and the things about ourselves that we think if people saw those things or knew those things about us, they we wouldn't be worthy or keep, you know, wouldn't belong or loved, or and and so I think people are hungry to be around people who who just are themselves and are willing to share. And and it takes something, right? It's not, you know, we're talking earlier about purpose, and and I I had this moment, right? So as I was preparing for your interview, I read what you kind of submitted about why you wanted to be on the show and what your purpose is, you know, this like sharing your authentic self. And and I was struck by like, wow, I think a lot of people have it like your purpose has to be some grand thing, you know, to like end human trafficking or like transform the planet or whatever it is, right? But the the purpose, like there has to be something significant about the purpose of a life. And when I read your purpose, I was like, wow, like that is so beautiful in its simplicity and not at all necessarily like easy to achieve or accomplish, by the way, just because it doesn't mean take something to be authentically you in a world that is like not interested in your authentic self at all, right? And not constructed and designed for your authentic self to be expressed. So one, I really want to acknowledge you. Um, because I'm all about people creating their lives. And so when, you know, when I when I experience people who have defined their purpose and are clear why they're here and are living inside of that, because it's a journey. I don't think it's a destination. I really want to acknowledge you for that. And what I love hearing about your, you know, what was how did you stumble upon that purpose? Like what how was it, what was your journey to uncover that and discover that for yourself?

You know, I think I think a lot of it was my, you know, my my kid. You know, my kid um is the world to me. And a lot of the reasons why I stayed in Washington State for 22 years was to be there with my child with my kid and co-parent with my ex-husband because I wanted my kid to have a childhood that I didn't have. Um and so I just realized that I have always been that mom that, you know, makes mistakes, says stupid things, and is corrected by their kid. And I'm just like, and then, you know, you know, I realizing that my my my my son's friends like me. They're like, and and and and they like me because of who I am, that made me realize that, you know, I'm I'm not I'm not an Instagram model, I'm not a video vixen. I am basically what you see every day, you know. Um, and and and my life is not glamorous per se, but it's real. And at the end of the day, the real being real is so important to me. You know, it's always been important to me. And I remember when I was in junior high school and I had like peers talk to me and they'd be like, you know why I like you? Because you're so real and down to earth. And I was like, wow. And I was like 13, you know, I didn't really understand that, but I I feel like I've governed, you know, with that practice in mind my whole life. And when I wasn't being my true self, it it showed up. And I I I just said, you know what? I I can't share anything that I'm not with anybody. I have to be me all the time. And if it's if it's not pretty, so what? You know, it's it's it's it's happening because I'm being who I truly am.

It's like I hear alignment, right? And it's funny because I'm gonna go back to a second to something you said about Marvel. I am such a geek myself, and uh so I'm I'm can't wait for Wakanda forever. And I'm also a little mad. Oh my daughter just got on a plane to go to Thailand last night and it's out here in Indonesia, but I can't watch it until she gets back because kind of how we watch those movies together. Yes, I feel you wait until like the 19th of November to watch it, but uh uh why why you know Simon Pegg talks about being a geek and he says that there's something very liberating, liberating about being a geek. It's like giving yourself permission, and I'm kind of paraphrasing his quote, but it's like giving yourself permission on an almost childlike level to emote about the things that you love without having to be a so-called adult about it. And and when I read, I remember reading that for the first time, and I go back to it time and time again because I think, you know, there there's that freedom in just being able to love what you love unabashedly and a shame without shame. And it's just like, yeah, like these are the things that are important to me and matter to me, and I love them. And I, you know, whether it's whether it's the Avengers or whether it's people or whether it's um, you know, like supporting people with their mental health and and illnesses, you know, or addiction, like it's just like um it is very liberating. And I can hear that in like, and I experience that being with you. There's a sense of freedom to just to just be yourself. Um so I I I think that's really really remarkable. And again, not not common, right? Because it's not it the world that we live in does not pull for that.

No, it doesn't. It I mean, I feel like I talk to my best friend like every day about this, and I'm like, did you see this post on Instagram? Did you see what this girl looks like? I'm like, it is not natural, no one looks like that. There is no way that I mean, like, we're providing a false narrative of what we're supposed to look like. And it's like, are you really happy trying to keep up with the Joneses and getting Botox every week or whatever? You know, it's like I feel so free in my sweatpants, you know, I feel so free. I didn't realize how much I loved athleisure clothes until COVID happened. I was just like, I don't even know how to dress professionally anymore. I don't know. But it was just like, I feel so free wearing like athleisure clothes and no makeup and just being, you know, out in the world and you know, wearing my my Nike slides. It's just something to me that's so freeing. And I mean, I feel like we're not allowed to be that. As women, especially, you always gotta be dolled up. You have to be, you know, you can't grow old, you can't, you can't do this. You're you're put in this box, you know, and then it feels like when you become a certain age, you're stuffed away. And I'm like, you know what? You're not stuffing me away because I'm gonna be in your face and I'm gonna be saying this is me, and I represent the real woman. Um, there's a comedian, I can't remember her last name, but her name, I for her name's first name, I believe, is Celeste. And she always, she's on Instagram and she had a uh comedy show, and she always makes me feel so proud to be, you know, in my body because she takes those models, those lovely model shots, and then she does her spin on them, and they're just like what the average woman looks like. And I'm just like, yes, now that's beautiful, that's real, and I can get behind that. And so that's kind of like my brand, you know, like let's be for real and let's, you know, be beautiful. Um, be beautiful with a bonnet on, be beautiful, you know, when you wake up in the morning, like the best song, like Good Morning Gorgeous by Mary J. Blige is basically speaks to my soul because it's like I'm not talking about hair and makeup, I'm talking about when I wake up, you know, and that to me is so important. And it and it gets me started, it keeps me going for real, because that's that's a real woman. That's the real deal.

There's I think so many different places that we can kind of look at, you know, and and I hear a lot in this conversation, like what I'm present to is this whole, like there's just all of the shoulds that we live inside of, right? And and the shoulds like like the difference between a life given by should, and I lived a life given by should for probably up until COVID for most of my life. And there are still lots of places where should runs the show, um, you know, that I'm working on transforming, but a life given by should as opposed to a life given by like what do I authentically want? Um, and it's like night and day, right? Like it's not even the same experience of being alive when you're actually at the source of yourself and aligned with what it is that you want, and versus, you know, as a woman, as you know, as a person of color, as an you know, for myself and my family as an indigenous person, like as as an immigrant, as a you know, a leader, like all of the different as a mother, parent, child, like all of the shoulds that children live inside of, right? In terms of other people's patients, like um, I would like to destroy all the shoulds. I'm on a mission. I'm on a mission to destroy. I should actually have that as part of my brand. I'm on a mission to destroy should. Yeah, because it's the opposite of living a created life, right? Like I'm all about people living a created life based on what they authentically want. And should is like that the the the death of living a created life.

Yes. I mean, it's very when you're living a should life, and and you said something to me um before we started, you know, pre-show. Um, and it was, I said, I've always wanted to go to Bali, but I have to wait for for five years. And you're like, don't wait for five years, you know, because I feel like I should wait for five years. You know, that's a should. And so it's like we're we're we're stuck in that box, you know, that and that box is a should box, I'm gonna say. And it just pushes us to keep doing uh the day-to-day conundrum boring stuff. And um I realize when I'm working that my brain is so creative, and it's just like we should be writing, we should be singing, we should be doing anything but what we're doing now. But it's like, but I I have to do this. I I'm doing this because I should be paying bills, I should be doing, you know, I should be saving money, I should be doing everything. So it's like there are good shoulds, you know, but then I feel like the bad shoulds over, you know, they they speak louder than the good shoulds.

And um Yeah, I love that you say that because I actually like I'm gonna like lovingly disagree. I think the shoulds, the good shoulds, the things that we think are the good shoulds are our wants and our desires. And I think we language it like should because we're just so caught up in that world. And but there's something interesting that happens there, right? I I see uh like because should like kind of lives in the world of have to and like, and then all of a sudden, like, I don't know, that world has a bit of resistance, like from a change point of view, it's got a little bit of resistance to it, right? Yeah, just resistance. Yeah, so when we language, it's like I should be writing, it's like you're making yourself wrong for the fact that you're not that you're doing whatever you're doing versus like I'm doing whatever I'm doing right now because that's what I'm doing, and I want to write, or I want to sing, or I want to be more creative. Like that, that's like an I think that's an access to something versus like I should be writing. Like there's like I think there's a world of morality and make wrong inside of the word should that I just you know would love to. I want you to write. I want you to have the freedom to write and know that you're gonna be fully profited. And this is like that conversation about faith, right? Like confidence, knowing, certainty. Yes. Knowing that if you pursue the things that you authentically want, you're gonna get, you're gonna get taken care of, right? That God, whatever's sourceful for you, the universe is gonna provide for you pursuing a life of your wants and your desires versus pursuing a life of the things that you think you should do to get by or make it.

Right. And I want to add that like once you you did make a good analogy, you know, analogy there and say that, you know, those are wants and desires versus good shoulds. Um, because should is a very, very punitive word, you know, it is a punitive word. And I realized that when you were saying that. So that though, yeah, the wants and desires they creep up and they're really loud and they're saying, hey, you know, stop doing that, you know, and and and and and look at me. Um, you know, it's it's it's hard to to break the cycle of doing, you know, being a nine to fiver. It's hard. Um, it's what you're told to do, you know, when you're young, and and you can't, I I remember my my um son was in grade school and he says to me, Why do I why do I have to grow up? I mean, like, I'm just gonna do the same thing I do every, I'm gonna go to work, I'm gonna do this, and it's just gonna be boring. And I was just like, I have no argument. You know, I literally have no argument for you because you know what? You're so right. But then I I realized as he got as he got older, I was like, but you know what? You can change that. You can change that whole script, you can flip it and make it fun for you by creating your own destiny, you know, and I think that now for me, I'm definitely realizing that my should box is starting to go away and that I'm creating my own creative destiny of full of wants and desires that I've been waiting to do for so long. And it's it feels really good. It feels really good. Um, you know, stepping out on that leap of faith and saying, hey, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to, even if you fail, you're gonna be fine, you know. I um strong belief in that. I'm just like, you know, there's no mistakes. People have what is your biggest mistake? I don't have any mistakes. I've I've they're my my lessons that I've learned. They're learned lessons, and so now I'm operating under that, like, no fear, stop it. You're not afraid, just do it. It's fine. You're you're gonna make it. So there's a lot of source just leading me to my destiny right now, you know, and it and it feels it feels amazing when you step out on that faith. Really does.

There's this uh I do a live show every Thursday with some friends of mine back in Canada, and we were talking about this great quote last night by Thomas Truard, who says, a repeated failure to fully act as we would wish must not discourage us. It is the sincere intention that is the essential thing, and this will in time release us from the bondage of habits which at the present seem almost insurmountable. And I just thought that was so, you know, and you're absolutely right. Like, what if what if our perceived failures were a part of all of it and we need all of it, right? Like we do. Yeah, because that's how we learn, right? We don't learn by being perfect every time and getting it right every time. We learn by doing and falling down like a kid learning to walk, right? And we don't, and it's funny, yeah. I've heard this before, and it just always makes me smile because a mom, like we you don't admonish your child for when they're learning to walk for falling flat on their face over and over again, right? You like encourage them to get back up and you tell them they're doing a great job. And but at some point in time we lose that with ourselves and with others, right? Like people fail. And then all of a sudden we make them wrong, or you know, like we make ourselves wrong and we beat up on ourselves. And I it really is that. Like, if we could just love our inner child the way we love our children, you know, um, I think we would be much happier as human beings.

I, you know, and that, and I I was working with a coach, um, and she was like, What is your inner child? You know, have you spoken to your inner child? And I was like, I never thought about it that way. And this was like a year ago. And um I said to myself, I'm not very good to my inner child. I hush her all the time, you know? And I realize now I'm just like, come on out, let me know what you want to do. Like, let's feel the fills, let's go there, let's do the things that we need to do to become the people person that we want to become. You know, I mean I I realize like failed, like failed relationships. We we we're like, I don't know why it failed. I'm so sad. I mean, you can mourn it, yes, but you gotta realize that there is something in there, you know, like I always say that your God has got a reason for making that relationship not work, you know, and accepting the fact that people come into your lives at different times, and it's for a season and it's for a reason, and and and loving that and and saying, you know what, I'm so happy I had that time with that person. It may have not been great, but it was what I needed at that moment. I feel like that's so important instead of you know you know, shaping it and being like, oh, he was such a horrible person or they were such a horrible person, you know, but honoring that friendship and mourning the the loss of it.

I think that that spirit, I I hear that spirit of gratitude, right? And that, you know, um like I really do, I have come to believe, and especially over the last year, that like we need all of it, like every single part of it. And and you know, one of my favorite philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard, says life life can be um uh you know, life can be understood in the rear view mirror, but it has to be lived moving forward. And I can look back at all of the romantic relationships that I've had to date and what I learned in those relationships and what I transformed in those relationships and and and how that's gotten me to where I am, you know, living in Bali with Peter, and you know, all of the things that we keep discovering together and and even the 13 years being single, right? And all of the things that that taught me and what I learned about myself and what got opened up in that time that needed to get transformed in order for me to get to today, right? And there are many times I made single wrong and and it shouldn't be that way. And I want, you know, and and especially when meeting men, you want to imagine going on dates, like because most people don't like most people are not single for 13 years, right? And so, like you go on dates, and guys would be like, So, you know, like when was your last relationship? Or, you know, and then you get the kind of look like, is there something wrong with you, right? That you've been single for that long. And and for big parts of it, it was a choice.

Right.

I was focusing my life on other things, but there was also like um, you know, there were there was some deep healing and views about men that needed to get transformed before I was open and ready to, and I and I didn't see that. I didn't see that until I saw it. And it took as long as it took to see it. Uh and I could make all of that wrong, or I could have been like, oh, I should have gotten here faster, or like, but it's just it's just what what there is to to deal with. Like that's just what there was to deal with.

So it you know, it's it's it's so crazy because it's like, you know, I look at it and I realized before I met my um my husband, I my ex-husband, I was so content with myself. I was like, I can do whatever I want by myself. I love myself. Like I lived in New York City, I was in my 20s, you know, and and um I was just going to movies by myself, taking myself out and doing things, you know, like going to copy my friends be like, Who you going to movies with? I'm like, me, myself, and I, and like you want company? And I'd be like, No, I don't, you know? And they'd be like, what? And I'd be like, I like me. And so when I met him when I moved to Seattle, it was so weird because I was like, oh, I gotta share my life with someone, but I wanted to. I really wanted to. I didn't really know how, but I wanted to try. And you know, I did. And and in I was in my 20s, I really didn't know how to do it great, you know, in a good way, but I did. And for a long time, I I punished myself. And I was like, I was horrible, I was not worthy, and and I just realized I wasn't, I was young, you know, I didn't really know how to do it. And now, 20 years later, I go to my, you know, I'm looking at myself and I'm saying, I still love to date myself. I still love to do those things that I did when I was in my 20s. I, you know, my relationship with myself is the most important relationship outside of the relationship with my family. Because when I'm good, everybody else is good, you know? Like they say, when mama's happy, everybody else is happy. And so, like, that's the message that I'm really trying to push now. Like, go out, get to know yourself before you get involved in something else. Because when you do get involved in a relationship, you know, you know that these are the things I'm not gonna take. These are the things I don't want, you know, you because you know yourself so well, you're not settling. And it took me a minute to get there, you know, it took me a minute to look at the healthy relationships I was in and then say, oh, these were healthy because of XYZ. And I think it's a blessing to know that, you know, I can be single and I can work on myself, and it's not a bad thing. You know, I had that choice because I'm so I'm so content with where I'm going and where I'm gonna be. You know, it's like right now, like I was listening to Abraham Hicks. I love rampaging. Yeah, I love rampaging. And and so um I was listening and she was like, you gotta say you're satisfied right now. You're satisfied right now. Like you, you gotta say, because you know what? When you get to that place that you really wanna be, you're gonna be really satisfied. And I'm like, I'm satisfied. I'm sure in 13 years of healing, and you were when you were single and going through that, you were satisfied in getting better. You were satisfied in getting to the place where you wanted to go. So it's it's it's not a bad thing. And I feel like so many people don't understand that. And that's one of the reasons why I want to, you know, be that authentic self, my authentic self, and show people it's okay to not be with a you know a partner. It's okay to be single and work on you and love yourself and and think about those things. Take yourself out to dinner, buy yourself that coach bag if you want to, you know. Love it.

You know, yeah, I I agree with everything you said. And um, you know, the one thing I had did discover though is like I think I had it like I had to do all of this work on me to get ready to be in a relationship. And and and the a bit of a fallacy there because what I discovered on the other side of being in the relationship, you don't actually transform the things that need to get transformed in partnership unless there's another person to transform those things with, right? So, you know, I did a lot of work on me, which was incredible and necessary in order to, you know, to be able to attract the kind of partner I was looking for. And even after that, there was a lot of stuff to unpack and deal with that that I was bringing forward from, and I still bring forward from previous relationships, because it's not until you're in that partnership with someone that you're, you know, looking how do we create the partnership that both of us want? And then all of a sudden you're bumping up against whatever there is to bump up against from the past, right? So I think that's one of the things that I really clearly saw. Like you there are some work, you know, around trust and intimacy and stuff like that that has to get done in relationship. And it may not be a romantic partnership, but needs to get done in relationship with others. So that was that was a really good learning for me as well.

Right. I look forward to learning that. I totally look forward to learning that. That's that's one of like the things I I'm really working towards. I want to be, I want to be at the place to receive it. Um and I told my friend this, I said, you know, I have a problem. I like to go for the toxic, you know, emotionally unavailable people. And I think that part of it is because I'm a little unavailable. So I need to make myself more available. I mean, there's, you know, there's there's a lot of things that, you know, I realized in doing the work that there's some things I'm not gonna like about myself. And but I I have to have to go through it. I can't, I can't be hard on myself. I have to go through it and say, you know what, you know, I'm still learning. I'm still learning how to to transform into this new role of being a coach. You know, I I'm still learning how to show up and be my authentic self. Yes, I've been doing it without practicing, intentionally practicing it, but um now it's more so like a brand. Like I realize that everybody, you know, I was like, I don't have a website. My Instagram is, you know, my Instagram. And now I'm like, you know what though? I'd be a good brand. So I need to create that. And how does this look? You know, so it's it's I feel like a lot of times I am I'm a baby, I'm rebirthing. I'm I'm I'm still I'm still a cat a caterpillar waiting to turn to a butterfly, but I love it. I love that process.

I love that analogy because especially we discovered recently through a friend of mine that the caterpillar could caterpillar completely dissolves in the process of becoming a butterfly. Like it doesn't just transform, like the caterpillar disappears and then is recreated, the energy is recreated to that of the butterfly. And I think that that journey is probably not comfortable, right? Like to like, and I think as you go on these healing journeys, which clearly you have been, and and I know I have been, there is a lot of dying into self as you spread the you know, pathways of being and stuff that are um that are not serving us anymore, beliefs that are not giving us the life that we want. Um and I think it's and I we I was having this conversation with someone yesterday about this idea of people, you know, like and I and I love what you said about being satisfied, Asia, because I think it is important. I think to, you know, this whole idea, yes, like to me, I've I language it like grateful yet dissatisfied. I am very grateful for everything I have. And I am dissatisfied because there's more I want to create in the world, bigger impact I want to have, new things that I want to explore. And it's not from this place of like it used to be from this place of not enough. For most of my life, it was from this place of not enough. Now it's from this place of like, I really want to discover or uncover or explore all of the gifts that I have to offer and the greatest expression of myself, the greatest authentic expression of myself in the world. And so on that journey, it is confronting, and there are things that you have to deal with about the self. But you know, when you can get to a place, I think, where you do that without any invalidation, where it's like you can look yourself square in the mirror and you may see things that you don't like about yourself or things that you're, you know, like impacts that you've had that you have remorse about because you didn't see them before. But it's like when you can do that without, you know, when you can be with the good, the bad, and the ugly of yourself, you know, without any invalidation as of your worthiness or your, you know, the value that you bring and then what you have to contribute, that is like such a gift, not just to you, it's also a gift to everyone around you, because the more you can, the more I can be with my authentic self, all of it, the and and be with and accept myself. To me, that's love, right? One of my when you're talking about the work you do in mental health and addictions, um, I was present to Gibbot Gabor Mate, who who's one of my favorite human beings, this doctor from from Vancouver in Canada, who works in those spaces. And he talks about love, like this idea of love, as like, you know, and and he kind of evolved. I've always thought of love as like accepting someone just as they are and just as they're not. But you know, he talks about this idea of loving people, like to love someone is to like let them into your presence just as they are and just as they're not. And that like there's no other way that they have to be than who they exactly are. And that and the access to that for me is loving myself that way. Because the more I can do that, the more I cannot try and fix and change the things about other people. Right, right.

It it lessens the judgment, you know. Like I feel that as a society, we're judgy, you know, like we we touched, you know, we talked about Akasha's bias. Like when people see me, they may not know, they see what they see. Yeah, you know, they see a black female. And I remember when my daughter, I mean, when my son, when my son, excuse me, my son was younger, very, very light skinned. And they would be like, Oh, are you the mother? And I'd be like, Yeah, you know. And it's just because why can't I be the mother? I mean, that's their, that's their, you know, their judgment, their bias like, you can't be the mother because you're too dark and he's too light, you know, and and so it's like I feel like I was being seen as this person for so long. And like after the Black Lives Matter happened, I felt really unseen on her. And I was like, I don't even know why I'm walking this earth. I'm not respected because of my race. And what is my purpose? You know, so it was really, it was really hard for me and to to be here now and saying, oh my gosh, I'm this person. You know, I I can't change everything. Like it's not on a granular level. I don't, I can't, you know, that my purpose isn't grandular. It is what I can do within my scope. And the what I can do is is continue to show up and be myself and represent myself as a black woman to everybody else, you know, and whether it's accepted or not is is up to whoever's, you know, perceiving me. But I have to show up and do that. I, you know, I thought, man, I could, I could be, I can jump on this bandwagon, I can, you know, I could do this, or and I don't like saying bandwagon, but I could, I can march, I can do this. I'm like, but you know what? There's only so much I can do. And this is gonna continue. And when you see the ugliness continue, you just get so I mean, it it just takes you, and you just get so overwhelmed. But I realized in myself, like, you know what? My bubble is the best bubble, and in this bubble, I can be happy, and when I decide to branch out of this bubble, I will bring other people along with me because they'll be attracted to the happiness and to the glow and the confidence I have. And then I think that's really what made me realize I just want to be me. And if you like me, lovely. If you don't, or if you're like, you know, I like parts of her, that's you know, it's great. You know, I I can't, I can't do any more. But as long as I can show up and do that and and help someone in a process, I'm happy. I can, you know, I can I can go to bed happy each night, you know, knowing that I'm doing something, I'm being myself, and it's helping somebody else know that they can be their selves too.

Well, you know, as far as I'm concerned, being authentically yourself out in the world is uh, you know, the biggest act of rebellion. It's an interruption and a disruption in a world that would tell you that you need something else in order to connect and belong and be loved. I see so much for being on the show and for being really acknowledge you for being that kind of human being out in the world doing the work. Uh, you know, there's so many other things that we could talk about, and perhaps it'll be an opportunity to have you back on the show at a later date. Oh, yeah, I'd love to talk about all of the work that you do and in, you know, in inclusive, you know, equity and diversity. And um, just for anyone listening to the show, you can find out about Aisha and get uh get a copy of the book and all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much for being with us today and uh just being so far in the world. Thank you. Have a good one. Everyone, we'll catch you next week. I love you.

Thank you so much for joining us for this week's episode. For more information on the show and our extraordinary guests, check out whatwoodamberdo.com.