SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to What Would Amber Do with your host Amber Howard, your weekly dose of guidance, inspiration, and strategies to have your small business and whole life thrive. We bring you incredible guests who share their real life experiences of being an entrepreneur so you can have your whole life work. Now, here's your host, Amber Howard.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back to What Would Amber Do? It's a real honor this morning to be speaking with Olenka Cullenen. Olenka is the CEO of iStart First. She's a consultant, speaker, and women's mindset and business coach. Olenka empowers female leaders to up-level their businesses and mindset. Olenka is also a best-selling author and a mom. Welcome to the show, Olenka. It's so great to have you.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Thank you so much for having me, Amber. I'm very, very excited.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

Me too. And thank you for making it work to join from Arizona. I know the time zones and I'm the work to have this conversation this morning. For sure. Yeah. For sure. So I would love to hear a little bit about your journey. How did you get into consulting and coaching executives, female executives? What kind of got you to where you are today?

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I mean, I'm sure everybody can hear a little bit of my accent. It's not from Texas. I was actually born and raised in Russia. And I moved to the US right before I turned 21. But I initially got into coaching because, you know, I've been, I grew up in a very interesting family where my mom was a diehard entrepreneur, always on the limb. She built and ran a company for 37 years. And my dad was a government official. So I saw very different sides. One was super by the book and very organized, and one was completely out on the limb trying to make things happen. So it was interesting because when I moved here, I was so kind of done with entrepreneurship. I've been doing it since I was 14. So by the time I was 20, I was like, I want to do something else. So I actually ended up going to teaching, believe it or not, and just to define my mother. Just so later, you know, five years when I finally was like, okay, I miss it. I want to run my own show. Now my mom gets to say, I told you so. So listen to your mothers. And, you know, in the process, what I realized is I went back to consulting and started my own first company fairly quickly. And I knew that I definitely love that aspect of it, of you know, having my own timeline, kind of being able to control my own, you know, unfolding to a degree. And what happened is I also five years ago, no, now it's seven years ago, I'm losing my timeline here. But yeah, almost seven, eight years ago at this point, I decided to switch my consulting and coaching only to women. I did that for multiple reasons. One is because in my first company, we were working with teenagers and while teenagers and college students and all across the board, I saw that we did not have enough girls. And I said, How is that we don't have enough females who want leadership and empowerment and want to kind of up level their life? And as I was continuing and speaking at a lot more women's conferences, being invited to speak globally, I kind of experienced the same, you know, the same ratio where I would walk in into women empowerment and leadership conferences and a lot of C-suites and the men-women ratio was 80-20, you know. And that's one of the reasons I named my second company, the company that is a female-centric company. I start first because my message to women was whatever you want to do, whatever you want to change in the world, you just need to start because no one is coming to save you. And it's really all on you. And now, fast forward, you know, almost 18 years later in this country. I mean, it's been an amazing journey. I got to speak at TEDx twice, you know, empower thousands of women, businesses, clients. So it's definitely been an amazing, amazing journey to see it unfold.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Well, first I wanted to say thank you. Like as another woman and someone who's out to empower women's leadership, to like just thank you for putting yourself out on that particular limb. Because I think it's really, it's it's important that we stand for one another and that we really um create spaces, safe spaces for women to like really show up. And uh so just thank you for being someone whose life's given by that commitment. And I like really love what you said. I, you know, so being out on the limb, like talk to me a little bit more about like I just think that's a really neat uh way of putting it because that's what it is to be an entrepreneur, right? That is what it is to be a person who's committed taking on their own personal development, their own life, and and as you say, up-leveling their life.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yeah, absolutely. And yes, absolutely. You're very welcome. And again, same thing. Thank you for being who you are, and I love everything you stand for and what you do for so many women. But yeah, being out on a limb was interesting. And I mean, from the beginning, you know, I borrowed for $150. And when I moved here, my first apartment, I still show pictures of it when I speak was courtesy of goodwill. You know, everything was either given by friends because I had no family here. And it was either, you know, like I said, given by friends or literally donated by someone. So I had to go through every experiment and experience of what Entrepreneur goes through. It's a full-on roller coaster. You know, when I started my business initially and it was, you know, early on, I used to say, I can't wait to get off a roller coaster and get on the train. Because, you know, you have so many experiences where you are up and down, things that you think are gonna turn out a certain way and not there. But to me, being out on a limb is that desire, right? It's that burning fire of a purpose that's just bigger than you. Because to me, I start first was never about me. It's still not about me. It was really truly about other women who come in who will learn how to collaborate together, empower each other, show up for each other, have each other. It's truly that tribe. You know, the women I work with, it came up from an event. So I have a women's conference that I run once a year, and we do this very particular ritual that I'm not willing to fully disclose because that's kind of the purpose, one of the things that women want to go to a conference for. But because of that ritual, they call themselves the sparkle tribe. And, you know, that sparkle and being that tribe where you are out there, you're trying to figure things out, you're not afraid to fail, you're not afraid to face your obstacles. Basically, you cry, get angry, get upset, and do it anyways. That's what for me is being out on the limb means.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

But I hear what you're saying is like the ability to be with all of it. And you had a conversation recently with someone about like personal development, and and there's like so many different schools of thought and approaches to taking ourselves on and philosophies, but oftentimes many of them come from like one school of thought, right? It's like being responsible for your thinking or your speaking or your emotions. But um, I I think what I can hear is like what becomes available for women and for people, really, when we when we're just we're with all of it, like our emotions have a place, and not remember looking seeing in one of your posts like talking about anger and the importance of like really processing emotion and not denying it and not you know and not dissociating it. Um I uh this is new for me in my life. You know, for much of my life, I just kept going and and soldiering on regardless of what was going, you know, how I felt about things.

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

So I think it's really important that women have safe spaces to be able to communicate. And so when does a conference happen?

SPEAKER_01 8:10

It's usually, well, I mean, obviously we're in the new world, it's been interesting. We uh we got cut off right before we were supposed to have our fifth annual you know anniversary one, and that's when pandemic happened. So we actually moved it online. We did run it online, it's every April. Uh, and then uh it's we are going to host it in April of 2022, no matter what happens, whether it's going to be virtual or in person. I mean, we definitely got very privileged with amazing women who come on, whether it's like I said, internationally, because we now have the ability to live stream it. And that's kind of the silver lining, I think, of the whole process of what happened was the fact that we were able to silver, you know, to streamline it and now able to attract women from areas that otherwise maybe they wouldn't be coming from, right? Like we have women in Canada this year, we had women who joined from, I believe we had a woman from Ghana, we had women from London. So it kind of became that international phenomenon, which was incredible because it was a completely different perspective and experience. But yeah, normally it's every April.

SPEAKER_02 9:17

I love that you think talking about the silver lining and the pandemic. I think part of part of being out on the limb is being able to pivot and just be flexible and be with like adaptable and be with what's happening now, right? And you talk about, you know, kind of like at the core of your business is this idea of I start, you know, I start first, like not spending all like all of your time thinking and preparing, but really getting into action. And why is that so why is that so important, Olenka?

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Because I think honestly, especially with women culturally, and you know, part of it is 100% our psychological wiring too, is one, we're such nurturers. We're very loving and caring and kind, but we also almost tend to be perfectionists to a degree where we want to make sure that everything is aligned, everything is perfect, everything is organized, everything is color-coded, our website is the best website out there. If we're going to come out with a product, it better be the best product, and I better be the most ready person on the market. So men don't do that. Men are a lot quicker to make decisions, again, because of their wiring and the way that you know the culture is sort of set up, they're being pushed into, hey, go do it and figure it out. So I believe that is why I really want to emphasize, and I've always wanted to emphasize that with any entrepreneur, that you have to go to the marketplace not ready. And as a matter of fact, as long as you have the minimal basic, the minimal wild product, service, whatever you want to create, uh, your audience is going to perfect it for you if you do it correctly. And if you truly are there in the service business, if you whether it's product or service, doesn't matter, because you're serving your audience. And if you're truly serving your audience, they should have participation points. They should be able to drive and dictate the ability of your business to unfold. To be honest with you, I think that's one of the reasons why I start first has been so successful. We took it from zero to six figures in six months for that exact reason because I never planned to launch this business. I wanted to speak and inspire women. But what kept happening was at the conferences, women would ask, What else do you have? What else do you have? And I kept saying nothing, you know, and they wanted more resources. So we launched the bootcamp first, which was a which is a six-month program, kind of hand holding them through launching and scaling their newly founded businesses. And so we launched the bootcamp. They loved it, and they kept saying, Well, what else do you have? We want to meet all these women who go through the bootcamp online, you know, in person, because the bootcamp is online. So we decided to launch the event because of it. So they could all come in to the same place and meet each other in person. Then, because of the event, we started attracting leaders who were in higher positions, and they kept saying, Well, we want a network. We want a network for women who've been in business three to five to ten years, and we want to try, you know, learn each other from more on a senior level. So we launched our senior leadership peer-led women's group. So I start first was really dictated by women who came in into my circle, into my sphere of influence, and just drove that business. And that's why that's exactly where I stand. You know, you don't have to be 100% prepared because if you listen to your audience, they will give you much better direction that you have a good.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

I hear like listening for what's going to make a difference with people, the people that you're committed to serving. And, you know, having recently gone through, and I and I've I've shared this before, but I I for a long time I really struggled with knowing who to who I who I wanted to serve. And I think part of it for me was like, there are so many different people I could make a difference with based on my background and and the things that I've been through. And it's like, well, if you're someone who's kind of given by people matter, so one of the core core values of my business is like people first, so people matter. Uh, how do you pick? How do you say I'm gonna serve these people and not these people? And at the same time, you know, being in business and and teaching business, knowing that it's really important to have your your messages speaking into a specific listening, right? That that you're talking to a specific audience. And um, so do you have any words of wisdom for for women out there who are in that space of like not really knowing how to identify the people that they want to be of service to?

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Yeah, honestly, it's I say, you know, I always use this phrase, I say get out of the building, and I quite literally mean physically, you know. I to me, when I started with, so first of all, talk about fear and not knowing I'm so with you, I've never worked with women. My mom ran a very male-dominated business. I grew up with a brother who was seven and a half years older than me, playing war and guns and playing with his friends because he would be stuck babysitting me all the time. So I've been in a very male-dominated environment earlier in my life. So I remember when I sat down with my guy friend actually before it launched I Start First and told him, I have no idea this is what's happening. I go to all these conferences and I see all these men. And he said, Well, what are you going to do about it? And I literally had no idea. So it's very interesting how that transpired to be to where I am today. I was terrified. My first event I ran, I literally did not market it. I was hoping nobody would show up. So if you're out there listening and you are struggling and thinking, you know, it's only you, it's not, I promise you. Every woman and every most of human beings actually go for that fear and try and figure out who that is. But in terms of who you serve, for me personally, one, I wanted to find my first initial gut kind of like gut reaction was to find women that I one were aligned with me and my core values. But also what I was thinking back to is who do I wish I had in my life when I started my business, right? What kind of core qualities would that woman have? If I had a mentor, if I had a mentor who could come in and take me to the next level, what kind of core qualities would I need to have to be that mentor? And based on that, I would align myself and I started searching for like my first tribe, right? And as I grew with them, I basically sort of grew with my tribe. As I grew with them, if we did like at the beginning, like I said, it was mostly designed for newbies and we still have a program and it still runs. But for women who maybe we wanted to do a side hustle, or maybe women who wanted to launch a brand new business. And as I grew with them and I did more consultings and trainings, I started to attract in more women of a senior level. And that's when, you know, I started adding programs for women who've been in senior consulting roles, maybe women who've been running successful companies. So I literally grew with my business. That would be one avenue. Another avenue I suggest to my clients is you still need to have people who align with you, but look for sort of the lower-hanging truth. Where can you find profits quickly? Because I'm a big believer, business is profits. I have no issues talking about money. I think women absolutely deserve to be paid correctly. Uh, and another avenue to go would be how can I build a business where find clients who are aligned and can afford my services and are going to be excited about my services and me adding value to them, because then in turn, that will allow you to affect so many other people, whether you do things pro bono or you do, you know, other women's groups. Like I do a lot of community work, I bring on, you know, younger women and kind of, you know, I don't swear I can afford to go in there and not charge them, right? The amounts that I charge in my corporate clients or my private clients. So there are a couple of different things, but alignment is key for sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

It's like surrounding yourself with people who are like congruent, you know, what I hear with like who you are and what your commitments are. And and um I also love what you said, like finding the people that you're a gap for, because I think that's a big part of being a coach. It's a big part of personal development. Like we're always like for me, this is a lifestyle. It's not like I don't I don't train and develop myself and other people, you know, because there's something wrong or something to fix about myself. I do it because like I am so lit up by the idea that I get to keep growing and expanding. I think uh it's a core belief for me that that's what it is to be a living being. And so, and I remember actually hearing someone else say a few years ago that like, who who did you need three, you know, three years ago, five years ago? Like it's a good way of like, you know, what were the kind of people and and services that you needed where you were three or five years ago? Because I think that really allows you to authentically speak and connect with people because you've got lived experience, right? You're not you're speaking about something that you've gone through yourself, and so you've got a real ability to like there's real credibility in that. You're not trying to sell people something that you yourself have not actually, you know, demonstrated that you've got some facility around yourself in your own journey.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Yeah, absolutely. No, yeah, very well stated. And it's kind of, yeah, when you and I talked a little bit too, that you said, you know, I'm applying some of my own experiences, and I realized like I have so many experiences that I could serve so many people, but then it's kind of narrowing it down and really seeing, like you said, what's that lived area that you're passionate about, right? What's that one, two, three areas that are in your life that you know you can add that value? Because it's, you know, any business sales are obviously critical because, you know, that's kind of your core foundation, numbers don't lie, as I say. But to me, sales are just adding value. It's really not about selling anything. It's how do I find, like you said, that gap and fill it in with value so they walk away feeling fulfilled and excited because they have my service or product.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Yeah, and this idea of like you could be good at a bunch of things, but where's your desire, right? What's gonna have you leap out of bed every morning wanting to serve people? Right. So even if you're good at, and my friend Chris talks about like chasing the tip of your authentic desire. Like, what are those experiences in life that are 10 out of 10? Because I think it's important, and I don't think it can be said enough that we don't just get to create the results in life, we get to create our experience, our journey day in and day out of achieving those results. And that's actually life. Like, life isn't, oh, I got the car or I got the new house or I'm going on vacation, or you know, all of those things are important. The results come as a function of having goals that cause us to grow. And it's like, how am I spending my time? You talk a lot about like this idea of gaining time back, and you know, so it's like, how am I spending my time? Am I the activities that I'm doing every day and how I experience those activities? Um, are they do they light me up? Am I, you know, am I am I passionate about them? You know, I think that makes a huge difference in in just our experience of life.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, to me, time is your most valuable resource. You know, obviously, you've heard that many times that you can go make more money, but you can never gain your time back. And so for me, yeah, optimizing life, but also having the joy and the purpose are probably three things I'm most passionate about. One, because one, I'm I'm a total like psychology junkie. That was my minor in college. So I love understanding how human brain works and really how to optimize it, how to make it better. And that kind of in turn led me to being obsessed with productivity and how I can produce the most amount of value and the least amount of time. So I teach all my clients that. And just the fact that that in turn gives you more time to do, and I agree with you 100% what you stated earlier, that it is a lifestyle. But in that lifestyle, right, as moms, as partners, as women, we get to build really so much more. We get to build in more things that we really enjoy doing, whether it's spending time with our kids, whether it's, you know, spending time with our partners, vacations, some kind of purposeful activities. And that's why to me, yeah, that time aspect is absolutely huge.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

One of the things that I've come to understand and really to discover for myself over the last year, Olenka, is like. Part of what, you know, we talk about the human condition, we talk about what it is to be a human being. And as much as there are so many differences, you know, differences between men and women, like biologically, physiologically, differences between people from cultures and all of that, I think, you know, there is this shared experience of what it is to be a human being. And we've touched on some of that this morning, right? This idea that that we're we have fear. All of us have fear, right? That when there's a there's a gap between the resources that we have, or like we have dreams and goals, and then we have our reality, and there's a gap there, you know, there are things to break through. The fact that I think, you know, we have a little voice in our head that doesn't always say the kindest, nicest things to us. It's not our biggest cheerleader. Like, you know, like this profound need that we have as human beings to connect and belong and experience and be accepted, and and um this kind of like curiosity, right? This innate human curiosity. One of the things that I've noticed and I've been discovering for myself is there's also part of that nature is starting and stopping. Right? That like what it is to be a human being is we start and stop things all the time. And maybe not in every area of our life. Maybe some areas of our life, you know, you're consistent and with the things that you say you want. And then there's other areas of our life where we start and stop. And I think for a long time I was someone who made stopping wrong.

SPEAKER_03 23:27

Right?

SPEAKER_02 23:27

It's like, oh, there's something, you know, that's wrong that I stop, versus just getting that. This is kind of part of the natural flow of living a life. And I could be in life a choice about stopping.

SPEAKER_03 23:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

So when I notice that I've stopped, I could be like, huh, well, do I want to start again? Do I want to start something newly? Like what do I want? What is my desire in this area of your life? With for for women that you work with and your experience working, you know, what are some of the things that you, you know, that people can do when they notice that they've stopped in, you know, and it could be any area, but specific perhaps in the area of their businesses.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Yeah. And, you know, I mean, it's you, I think, and all of us who are struggling with that, starting to stop in in those realizations. And uh it's it's like you said, it's a conscious effort of retraining your brain that this is not, you know, this is not end all be all, this is not final. And even if I stop, that's okay. And sometimes it's okay to stop, and sometimes it's okay to breathe and be on the floor and sit there and it gets comfortable. And we don't always have to be high and upbeat and you know, performing at the hundred percent. You know, I always say that you need contrast in your life so you can appreciate all the beautiful, amazing things that you get to accomplish, because otherwise it would just all be even and pretty boring, actually. So yeah, but at the beginning, you know, I always when I work with women and kind of, you know, the way I train myself is very similar to what you said is one stop in is not lethal. Uh, if you stop, it's okay, it happens. And we are learning. To me, the most important thing you learn is, and that's kind of what I share. I say, you know, the real difference between me and like some of the newer entrepreneurs or women I work with is I know how to stop and restart quickly if I want to, because I now learn to regulate my emotional state to where it's not going to affect me as maybe some of the newer incoming, you know, business women and entrepreneurs, because I know that it's not lethal. I know I have tools that help me to restart pretty quickly. And if some, you know, really tragic things happened and some failures happened before, it would take me maybe weeks. Then my goal was how do I go from weeks to days? And the next goal is how do I go from days to hours? So, and obviously it depends on the level and severity of the situation. But for most part, once you learn to really want, once you find, once you accept it, like you said, as a part of a process, you'll be able to put tools in place. And none of them have to be grandiose, like I'll share a story that I, you know, something that I'll share that's very personal. So for me, for example, one of the things that helps me through hard days or failures or you know, moments when I get upset at puppies. So I literally have puppy websites saved on my laptop and my phone. And when I get upset or something goes wrong, I go to those websites, I take a few minutes, I go look at puppies literally completely brainless and thoughtless, but it brings me in a good place of mind. And so that allows me to restart things. But I also have tools that are almost like I would say ranked, right? Depending on the severity of a situation. So puppies are not gonna maybe help me through all of the situations, but meditation might, or going for a walk with my dog might, or going outside and playing with my daughter for a few minutes might. So it's really how do you shift yourself, right? Out of it starting and stopping, where you just accept it as a part of a process and you say, okay, yes, I'm still doing it. Yes, fear still kicks in, emotions still kick in, situations still happen, but I am going to be in control of that in a sense that even if it happens, I know how to restart again. Or I know that maybe it happened for a reason and I need to pause and sit with this for a minute and really think this situation through. Because not all stops happen because it's a bad thing. Stop stops happen because you truly do need to breathe through, think through, and possibly pivot.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

I hear like resilience in what you're saying, right? This idea, like that um, you know, you can get back to what you're committed to in life with velocity, right? That you can be with the uncertainty of life. And this is one of the things that I train and develop people in, and and looking at what's my worldview. Do I do I have a worldview that says that life is happening to me or is life unfolding for me? And I, you know, I also hear that in what you're saying, this idea that things are unfolding. And if you could just be with life in every moment of now. And you know, that so much I think of of where the fear comes from is like just not being present with what's like all that's happening right here in this moment is like you're in Arizona, I'm in Toronto, and we're having a conversation. That's right. That's what's happening. That's the what's all of this moment. And then there's like all of this other stuff, there's all of this other noise, and like, so what am I choosing to engage with? A conversation. My my 15-year-old son Keegan was a little nervous about going back to school. It's been a while, you know, he hasn't been there in person because of the pandemic. And and I just said, Well, where are you located right now? Because right now, all that's happening is you and I are in a car driving back to your dad's like that's what's happening. You know, we're in a car on the QEW. Right? That the that anxiety is coming from some event in the future that that hasn't happened. And I think the more, like, as I I love what you said, this is for me why be on a journey of personal growth and awareness and and and train and develop myself in this way, because I get to have more and more tools to be able to be resilient, to be able to deal with the circumstances of life as they unfold and then be a choice.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's beautifully stated. And I love the here and now, you know, it's one of my mantras, and it's definitely, yeah, I mean, it's either anxiety or stress, but it all comes from not being able to stay in that moment. So I love that you brought that up because yeah, it's so, so important. We saw, I mean, it's a yeah, we get caught up in all kinds of movements sometimes, but a lot of the most important thing is learning how to be still in present. And once you master that, and all of us are in the process of mastering that, I even say our whole lives, that's really where things change drastically.

SPEAKER_02 29:44

Yeah, and what I'm what I'm discovering newly in this conversation with you is this idea of like failing forward, right? That like it doesn't, you know, like the Bob Proctor talks about how like um my brain is like robots, but not robots, like rockets on their way to the moon. Like they literally fail thousands of times and course correct back. It's like this journey. The and they get there and they manage to land it within like you know, exactly where they said they wanted to land it. But on the way is like thousands and thousands and thousands of failures and course corrections. And like, what if that was just what life is?

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 30:24

Like, what if we could like, you know, yeah, get the clarity about where it is that you want to get to, you know, and then get that there's this journey that's unfolding from where you are now to where it is that you want to go in the future. And if we could be unattached to what that journey looks like, and I think this is really powerful for I what you said earlier about women not wanting to get started or wanting it to be perfect, or you know, I think that is part of um the psychological, you know, in like way in which women are, you know, raised and some of the things that we deal with. That there's a lot of need to get things right um and not start until things are right. And well, what if we could just get that what it is to be a human being is to be on this journey of failing forward, right? This journey of like temporary defeats as we grow and learn and develop and expand ourselves inside of creating what we want in life.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Yeah, no, I love that. Absolutely. And to me, you know, that's like one of the things I think is so crucial for entrepreneurs to learn. I mean, really for everybody, but for entrepreneurs, especially, it's that process, you know, it's falling in love with a process. I love what you said earlier, you know, we're not in the business of creating results. Uh, because yes, results are very short-lived, they usually don't teach you anything, it's a five-second excitement, and then you, you know, go into the destination addiction. What's next?

SPEAKER_02 31:48

But you destination addiction, like that.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

Yeah. And so to me, what you're saying now is so much more important because it is, it's it is that you know, journey of temporary defeats, and it is the process, and it is learning to fall in love with that process of every day, of the mundane, of the routine. Because I mean, if you look at anyone's journey that you admire and love, maybe you know, men or women who you want to be like, and if you truly examine their journeys closely, most of them had more failures than anybody can imagine. And they just were moving from one to another, moving forward, like you said, failing forward and taking it one day at a time and exploring and learning. And that's really where 80% of your life is spent because the results are maybe only 20% at most. So if you focus on the wrong thing, that makes your journey miserable. But if you fall in love with a process, it's where magic happens, really.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

It's it's like falling in love with the process. And I'm also like getting, you know, it's the relationship between inquiry and answers, right? Because results like answers really don't provide much, right? Like, sure, they're nice, and I love like that addiction to like next and next and next. And and part of that for me, if I look at my own experiences, for much of my life, there was this real default way of being that not enough. I was not enough, and anything I caused was not enough. The impact that that had on my kids, because you know, I remember having a conversation with Keegan once, my youngest son, and saying to him, like, what's it been like for you being raised by a woman who, you know, is is not enough, right? And he said, It's like, what's the point? Like, what's the point of even trying? Because no matter what I do, or it's just never going to be enough for you. And that had nothing to do with him. That was all a conversation I was having with myself about myself, but then that got into the clearing, like that got into the space around me and impacted all of my relationships. So, like, I love what you said about like, yeah, like giving that up and and this idea that it's not it's about the inquiry, it's about the unfolding as you're in life, noticing and allowing. And I think that is that feminine energy. I think there is like, and there's a need for all of it, the balance of it. You know, there's shadow masculine and feminine.

SPEAKER_01 34:25

Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

The sh, you know, the shadow feminine is like being a martyr and like you know, all of that self-sacrifice and stuff like that. But no, we get to be powerful women out in life for what it is that we want to create. And at the same time, bringing both like having access to, yeah, there is a time for the masculine, which is about driving to and performing and causing results. But then there, like when you when you combine that, like life gets really juicy and delicious.

SPEAKER_03 34:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

When you combine that, like ability to be in life, performing, causing, you know, what it is that you want and fulfilling on your goals, and at the same time allowing for that journey and and being in and and just noticing, oh, where are where's my energy at? Am I trying to force something? Maybe I just lean back a little bit and and receive, or um, allowing my subconscious mind to do a little bit more of the work and and figure things out and and really trusting the process and that things are unfolding for my greatest good and the greatest good of everyone around me. Not like a truth, but it's a you know, a place to stand in life.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Oh, absolutely. No, I love everything you just said. Yeah, it's absolutely so true. I mean, yes, that's that's kind of yet that fluidity, right? Of a true feminine that uh, you know, I've done a lot of spiritual work and I went to ashram in India and I stayed there for 10 days. And one of the things that they teach you, right, that the true feminine has that fluidity. It's like water. It's uh it's but water can be very forceful. Water can be, you know, water can be thing, rocks. And you know, that's the difference. Where, like you said, it's reaching out into different areas of that feminine at times of need and being able to process things the way they need to be processed, and really just, you know, having that discernment of what am I being at that moment, going back to what you said about being a human and learning how to be a human and being a feminine, um, you know, staying in your feminine power, it's really about that discernment. What what area of my fluidity do I go to at the moment to reach that ultimate result?

SPEAKER_02 36:39

I think it takes something, right? Like I've had to unlearn a lot of behaviors that just became so second nature for me. And I'm newly in a relationship, and and part of like part of how I've I've been a mom since I was quite young, and so much of my identity was formed and created inside of being a mother and like protect, like fiercely protective of the people that I care about and that I love and um and actually probably just protective of human beings in general. And and but one of the things I've been discovering inside of that is like that there's a tendency to keep people small inside of that. And I think it's important to get this as a coach, and you know, people don't need us to save them from themselves, right? They need us to empower them to be able to create whatever it is that they want and what they see for themselves, and um like uh unlearning, I think is like unlearning whatever limiting beliefs that we have or ways of being in life, uh, is just as important as any new tool set, you know, and that willingness, you know, I'd love to like that willingness to unlearn and give up what being right about whatever it is that we think we're right about or about ourselves and about life, and just being willing to say, I don't, I don't know. And that's a big one for me. For a long time, it's like you know, owning that I don't know, I don't have all of the answers.

SPEAKER_01 38:03

Right. No, I love that. Yeah, I love absolutely the unlearning is definitely a huge prominent part, I think, to so many women, um, myself included. And it's definitely it's yeah, and having those identities, right, that I assign to you from early, very early ages, lots of times, not even by you, but people around you that become your second nature. And, you know, having those identity, yeah. I mean, I can give you a super personal example, and I mean, I'm okay to share that. And I've talked to my mother about it, but my mother was probably one of the most powerful women I knew. But when I became a mother, I said I want to be nothing like her in the sense of being nothing like her as a mother, not being nothing like her as a businesswoman. Because you see, I learned a very early distinction for a lot of work that I've done for myself, how to unlearn to be a mother side of her. But I love her business aspects that she gave me and the qualities and you know how extensive she made the world for me, because she truly gave me a belief that fear is just a part of the journey and you can go do anything. And that gave me this incredible opportunity to build the businesses and step into opportunities that they came my way. But at the same time, when I was five and I remember it very distinctly, and we had a circle in my kindergarten. I wrote, uh, we were writing wishes for New Year's. In Russia, we don't have Christmas, it's New Year's. And we were writing wishes, and I wrote, I want my mom as a Christmas gift. And because of that, very distinct memory and all the pain and you know, associations that came with that, because she really wasn't able to be around. She was so attached to the business and so passionate about it that basically became her third child. And we've had multiple conversations about that. And it's not to put any blame on her because you know, she was doing what she knew best, but I learned that for me, it just wasn't the identity I was willing to take on as a mother to my daughter. And so I had to learn two very distinct patterns, right? How do you build a business empire and become exciting and powerful and joyful for so many women, but also have this very private, you know, sacred connection with my daughter, where she feels secure and understood and heard because, you know, it's it's something that she deserves and it's something I wanted to give her because that was a whole point for me to start my own business so I can live, you know, live life on my own terms. But that was a very, very harsh experience for me to really create that distinction and understand how I can play in both positions powerfully with integrity and yet very distinctly.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

I think what you're what I'm hearing and what you're saying is like the importance of completion. And what I mean by that is like we're like, and I I'm about to kick off my next leadership course at the University of Toronto next week. And I start the class by talking with my students about like we never come to anything from nothing. Like part of what it is to be a human being, that human experience we were talking about is we are all filled up, right? And I remember being with this incredible leader many years ago in a coaching session for families, and he said, your definition of family is not created. If you like what your parents did, you replicate it. And if you didn't like what they did, you do the opposite. But you're not in life. Like, what do you want to be? You know, what do you want being a mother to be like from nothing? Yeah, what do you want your relationship with your children? And I remember I had this like experience with this woman once. I was in a community. I was sharing about my relationship with my daughter, Kayla. She's 24 years old and you know, really my best friend. And Kayla is like one of the biggest sources of play in my life because I was not that mom growing up. Like she fiercely held on to her ability to play and have fun in life. And and has really been such a source of joy for me inside of that. And and I remember sharing about the nature of the relationship I have with my kids, which has been, you know, Lenka, I continually recreated again, you know, at each stage as they've gotten older, now that they're adults, and right now we're just going through this again. I'm newly in a relationship. I've been single for 13 years. I'm about to leave for three months to go to California and I'm be with this human being, and it's like every it's incredible. And it's like, but it's been the four of us, yeah, up until now. So now we get to recreate our relationship again. And I love like that's one of my favorite things about my relationship with my children and just people in general, is that I get to keep being out in life. Like, what do I what do we want? What are we co-creating in life now? And um, because when we don't do that, all we're doing is repeating or reacting to some conversation from the past, right? And uh, I think it's it's important to do that work. And I love what you said. It's not about blaming our parents, it's not about they did anything wrong. Like I really do. I will never forget the moment I read Louise Hayes' book, You Can Heal Your Life. And in that book, she says, you know, your parents can't possibly have taught you something that they themselves didn't know. And it was literally like this experience of having the back of my head smacked, like, oh yeah, you know, my parents are extraordinary, and and they both went through a lot in life, and there was no way, like, just not possible, given their experiences in life, that these two human beings were gonna teach me how to love myself. Yep. Because they they didn't have any ability to love themselves based on their and this is like generational curses that get passed on from family to family. And then I like standing there in that moment, looking back at my parents as a source of my life. I was like able to look at my wow, like I, my children's father and I, like Calen Matthews' father, we had no shot in. Heck at teaching Kayla and Matthew how to love themselves from where we were at that time. Now, you know, fast forward years later, have been doing the work and continue to do the work on self-worth and self-love. And so I'm now able to be a different kind of example for my kids inside of that. You know, I now get to be in life that I am an F. And uh, but I think what you pointed to in your relationship with, like I hear really you're doing the work with your mom to get that complete. So you don't bring that forward. And at the same time, being in the inquiry of like, what am I, what am I creating now in my relationship with my daughter, which is beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 44:37

Absolutely. Yeah, no, and I love I love everything you just said. And yeah, I love Louis Kay. She's one of my favorites for sure. But it's that, yeah, I love the notion that you brought in, which is recreating it at any point, right? You have your whole life to recreate, restart, re remodel, re- you know, re-facilitate however you want to do it. And I mean, kids, that's like one of the most beautiful abilities about kids. I think they're so pliable and they're so willing. And really, it's until we become adults and almost we get into this like freeze paralysis mode. But in reality, it never changes if we just keep that. Like you said, I love what you said about your daughter. And you know, she sounds wonderful in her ability to play and hanging on to that. But all of us have that ability, right? We all have that ability to, and we can all hang on to that ability of recreating ourselves at any given moment and any given time, whether it's our relationships or our business or you know, our circle of people that we love, we have ability to recreate and refacilitate those because that's what good coaches do. And, you know, we talked earlier about that, that good coaches facilitate, they hold space. They keep, you know, they make it wide and open so you have a choice to create it into whatever you want it to be. They don't mold you, they just ask a lot of questions and you do a lot of processing. And you know, there's no way that when you have space and safe space, that you're not going to be able to create really most incredible things for your life.

SPEAKER_02 46:12

Yeah, I love that. Well, and what I what I didn't say earlier, when I was sharing about my relationship with Kayla in this community of women, you know, one of the women said, Oh, you're, you know, it's like it's not appropriate to be friends with your kids. And in the past, like that, you know, because I've had to defend my parenting style over the years, especially being a young mom, right? Like many times it's like the way I parented was not the way that, you know, the other adults around me or grandparents and stuff, you know, and I and I did fiercely defend my way of parenting my children. But now I'm at the, you know, like that ability to be in life, and I and I just got her communication, and I was just like, you know, this is just my view. And I got that you don't share that view. And it was what was so great about it is she came back to me a couple of days later and she said, you know, I really wanted to apologize for the way I responded. Like, and what I got when I went back and looked at it was like what was coming out of my mouth, what I was communicating to wasn't even my my view. It was like my husband's or my parents, or the, you know, it's like this the notion of what it is to be a parent is is X. And and so, and she goes, You really caused me to step back and look at well, what do I want to create in as a parent, as a mom in my relationship with our children? And I think that's why, especially as women, like be out there in life sharing ourselves and and being authentic and showing up as ourselves. And we're gonna resonate with some people, maybe not with others, but you know, the people who need to hear what it is that only we can we can contribute, uh, are gonna are gonna hear what they need in order to be able to have them move to their next level.

SPEAKER_01 47:54

Oh, absolutely. And you know, I always, especially when I work, you know, kind of with my newer, newer incoming clients, I always say, you know, don't ever be afraid to recreate the world that was created by people who are no smarter than you. And it's truly what we do. I mean, it's truly what we teach our kids to do. And we are all doing, I mean, everything around us has been created by someone and by someone who also had limited beliefs, who also had past experiences, who also had to learn and relearn and unlearn hundreds and hundreds of times. So I love what you said. It's really that. It's looking back, looking at yourself, looking at your communication styles, looking at, you know, what's coming and how it's all presented, and realizing most likely you picked up those beliefs somewhere else. I mean, kids are only born, you know, I use this example all the time. Babies are only born with two fears, uh, fear of falling and fear of loud noise. And then by the time they have five, they usually have 15 to 20. And then by the time we're adults, we have hundreds. So it's no different with beliefs. We pick up beliefs as we grow up based on their surrounding, you know, environment that we have. And most of the time we're fighting, you know, and standing in for beliefs that are not even ours.

unknown 49:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:12

It's that willingness to, you know, and like really getting, like not making any of it wrong. I think that is so important, right? Like, you know, we don't have a conscious mind until we're seven. So we don't have the ability to reject any of the things in our environment. That they just like that's the truth of what life is for us. And and whatever beliefs that we have and we carry, like they serve us until they stop serving us.

SPEAKER_03 49:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:33

You know, as a result of like my life and the the experiences I had for a long time up until January of this year, I had a hidden belief that asking for help was shameful. You know, or dangerous, or not a good, like it's just not a good idea. It was not a good idea to ask for help. And when you're a 10-year-old little girl dealing with the circumstances I was dealing with in life, yeah, that was a good way to be in life. That made sense, it kept me safe. Now I'm 43 years old, out to, you know, make a difference globally and transform women's lives. And, you know, being in life that asking for help is shameful or a bad idea doesn't serve me anymore. So it's like just really getting, you don't when you when I think this is important for people to understand on a journey of personal growth and development, when you get, when you gain a new awareness, when something becomes distinguished that was hidden from your view in your blind spot, not don't make yourself wrong for it. You you you know, now that you have the awareness, now you can get to choice around that thing and you can take a new action. Um and whatever that was up until that point in time, it it it served you to get you to where you are now at this level. It's just gonna, you know, not necessarily get you to your next level.

SPEAKER_01 50:48

Yeah, no, I love that. I love that. It's yes, so beautifully stated. Absolutely, it's so true. And, you know, it's I mean, not being wrong in general is a massive, massive transformation for so many women, right? Because I mean, we do have this insane quality about beating ourselves up more than anyone else, you know. Um, so to me, with anything, whether it's business or personal, one of the first qualities to unlearn that I work with women so much is you know, beating yourself down for whether you run or you did something or you said something, you know, I tell them all the time one of the biggest two qualities of long-lasting relationships are compassion and forgiveness. So if you can do it with everyone else, you should probably start with yourself. And so to me, what you said, yeah, it's it's absolutely golden because yeah, you have to start there and you have to start with acceptance and being okay and moving forward, and then yeah, and then you just grow into the next level from that.

SPEAKER_02 51:50

Yeah, it's beautiful. When I hear you say acceptance, to me, that that is what it is to love, is to grant being to someone else, you know, and to yourself, right? To accept someone just as they are and just as they're not in this moment, because that's really all we have. And and that is, I think, and it takes something. It's not like it takes something to be out in life loving other people that way, especially the people that are closest to us. Um yeah, and uh I can just sense from being with you all, Linka, that you're someone who is that way with the people that you, you know, your clients, your family, the people that are blessed to be in your life. So thank you for that. Acknowledge you for that.

SPEAKER_01 52:32

Thank you. I really appreciate it. And it's very mutual. Yes, the gratitude of spending this time with you and seeing the glimpse of how you show up in the world, it's it's amazing. So thank you. Thank you for all the work you do. And I can tell how how authentically you show up in your journey. And to me, like authenticity trumps everything. I always say that, you know, when you get to see someone's true being, right? It doesn't matter if it's gender, the culture, but truly being in life, how they are, it's it's mesmerizing. And that's why I'm sure so many women are drawn to you as a coach, as a woman, as a friend, as a confidant. So same. Thank you so much for doing the work.

SPEAKER_02 53:12

Well, thank you. I'm like just this is like the first time we literally talked, and I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh yeah, look forward to like what could be next and getting to know you better and and continuing to grow on our journey together. And just thank you for taking your time to be with us this morning. For those of you listening to the show, you can check out Olenka and find out how to get in contact with her and have her support you in creating what's next for you and your business and and really moving to that next level in the show notes. And uh, you can book a discovery call with her. And just um thank you again for taking the time and having this conversation with me this morning. Thank you, Amber. I really appreciate it. For everyone listening, have a great weekend and we'll talk to you next week.

SPEAKER_00 53:58

Thank you so much for joining us for this week's episode. For show info, visit what wouldamberdo.com. And for information about Amber Howard and Associates' offerings and services, visit AmberHoward Inc.com.